The key to understanding why we think, feel, and act the way we do
It has been long known that our past shapes who we are today. It has also been long known that, specifically, our very early experiences have a profound influence on how we develop overtime and the people we become. In the 1960’s, a British Psychiatrist by the name of John Bolby went further than these general ideas. He developed attachment theory to explain which past experiences shape us the most, and when, and how, and why.
Attachment refers to the relationship that is formed between a child and their (primary) parent. According to Bolby, this first relationship is the one that shapes us the most. It becomes our foundation for life, influencing our beliefs about ourselves, our ability to form relationships, our reactions to situations, and the quality of our relationships. According to this theory, the attachment process begins around birth, is heavily influenced during the first three years of life, and is decently solidified by the age of 7 or so.
Children have an infinite number of experiences from birth to about 7, but not all of these shapes attachment. Bolby explained that, specifically, the manner in which parents respond to children’sphysical and emotional needs during the attachment years is what creates each child’s unique attachment style. Once formed, a child’s attachment style becomes their emotion and relationship navigational system, like a GPS that operates in the background - guiding them through life, from childhood through adulthood, influencing them at every step, whether they are aware of it or not. Attachment style is like an invisible force that influences how we interact with the world, interpret our emotions, and react and respond to others.
So why are our early experiences so profoundly shaping? Babies are born with very chaotic nervous systems and with brains whose synapses and connections require experience in order to be shaped. Babies and children cannot regulate on their own. They require the physical and emotional presence of an adult to be soothed. When this occurs for a child, it is called co-regulation. When parents are attuned to their baby’s/child’s needs and respond to them in a consistent, predictable way, and with a calm and steady presence, it moves their little nervous systems from feeling (internally) chaotic, unsafe or in distress, to feeling safe, and soothed, and calm. When a child receives this co-regulation experience repeatedly, it teaches their nervous system how to move from discomfort to comfort, and creates what is called a “secure attachment style”.
The powerful impact of co-regulation isn’t just that a baby or child is soothed in that moment.
In addition to feeling soothed, a child’s young mind is simultaneously using these co-regulation experiences to form beliefs, conclusions, and assumptions that become part of their emotional and relationship GPS. This all happens in an abstract and unconscious manner. As such, the beliefs that are formed during the attachment years are similarly unconsciously held in the mind, yet they are constantly influencing us. When a baby’s or child’s needs are recognized by a parent, interpreted accurately, and responded to with a calm presence, their minds are making (unconscious) meaning out of these experiences, such as: “I am safe”, “I am good”, “I am loved”, “I am seen”, “I am heard”. Beyond the attachment years, these foundational beliefs are the first ones that get activated in situations, usually unconsciously. For a person with a secure attachment foundation, these thoughts could be “I can get through this”, “I will be ok”, “I don’t have to be afraid”; thus, giving them a core sense of emotional sturdiness with which to take on life’s situations.
There are different attachment styles that can be formed and it is the quality of the parenting (co-regulation) experience that shapes the attachment style a child ultimately develops. Some children develop a secure attachment style. However, other children develop an insecure attachment style; and can be more anxiously insecure (called “anxious insecure attachment style”), avoidantly insecure (called “avoidant insecure attachment style”), or have a mix of both anxious and avoidance (called “disorganized attachment style”).
An insecure attachment style develops when a child’s emotional (co-regulation) needs were, too often, not met. There are a range of ways this can occur and the context in which the inconsistency occurred shapes the intensity and type of insecurities. At a more extreme end, abuse and neglect are hugely injurious to a child. However, a child can develop an insecure attachment style even if they grew up in a home where there was no abuse or neglect. They might have grown up in a home where there was a lot of love and lovely experiences, and their parents might have done their best given the knowledge they had at the time. At the same time, if that child’s co-regulation needs were not met sufficiently, an insecure attachment style can develop. It is often the case that a parent is not aware that their child’s emotional needs are not being met. Many factors can interfere with a parent’s ability to provide consistent co-regulation. If, for example, parents are stressed by financial or other matters, or are feeling overwhelmed themselves, it would be difficult to provide the calm, internal presence that a child needs for co- regulation. A parent could be struggling with emotional matters, such as anxiety or sadness, or burnout, and this too would limit their ability to provide co-regulation, despite their best of intentions towards their child.
Children, teens, and adults navigate the world very differently depending on their attachment styles.
Children with a secure attachment style:
find it easier to separate from their parents for school and at bedtime
having an easier time making friends
feel more confident to try new experiences and activities
are more likely to talk about something that is upsetting them
are generally less anxious and fearful
can more easily recognize that they have strengths and weaknesses and do not need to be perfect
are more easily soothed by their parents
are less likely to “give up” after a set back
Children with an insecure style generally have a harder time navigating life. Depending on the child, this can show up in a variety of ways and range from subtle to quite evident:
not wanting to be apart from their parents for school, or at bedtime, or for sleepovers
generally have a harder time settling at bedtime or being on their own
have intense or strong reactions to seemingly small matters, and/or have reactions that seem to go on for a while, or can seem “sensitive” or “easily annoyed”
discomfort with change or new situations, such as talking to new people, or trying new activities
tend to be more anxious, scared, fearful, or sad
are more likely to say negative things about themselves during hard situations, and blame themselves, or at the other extreme tend to blame someone else
can seem shut-down or avoidant or dismissive (e.g., “I don’t know”, “nothing is wrong”) when asked about things
Similar patterns occur in adolescence, too, across securely and insecurely attached youngsters. In adulthood, attachment styles play a central role in how we choose romantic partners, navigate romantic relationships and their ups and downs, react to situations, and parent our own children.
Adults with a secure attachment style are more attuned to their needs and can express them straightforwardly without feeling guilty or anxious. They tend to be aware of how there are feeling and why, and this helps them be more accurate in how they interpret and respond to the emotions of others. Securely attached adults carry less anxiety overall, and find it easy to relax, or return to feeling calm after something upsetting has occurred. As such, they feel more steady internally even as they experience the natural hurts, disappointments, and pain that can occur in life. They are not easily overwhelmed by life. Because they are able to regulate their emotional states well, adults with a secure attachment style are then able to provide co-regulation to their babies and children with much more ease. They are able to respond to their baby or child with a calm presence, and stay steady emotionally during hard and tender parenting moments.
Adults with an insecure attachment style find emotions to be a difficult matter, and tend to experience more stress in romantic relationships and in parenting. Insecurely attached adults find it hard to express and meet their needs. For this reason, they tend to carry high levels of anxiety, stress, irritability, or guilt, or emotional discomfort, generally. Following from this, they find it hard to relax and can notice that they are thinking “all the time”, usually about the past or worrying about the future. Decisions can be hard to make. Boundaries can be hard to set. Because adults with an insecure attachment style carry high levels of internal unease or discomfort, this would naturally make it difficult for them to provide consistent co-regulation to their own children. This would occur despite the care and love they have for their child.
Attachment style shapes the way life unfolds. It influences how we interpret people, situations, and emotions, which then influences how we think, and how we act. For this reason, attachment style creates our patterns – patterns in relationships, patterns in emotions. These patterns repeat because our attachment style is always influencing us. Sometimes these patterns are healthy and help us have meaningful relationships, healthy ideas about ourselves, and an uncomplicated relationship with emotions. At other times, however, our attachment style may be such that the patterns it creates are not serving us one way or another. It could be that relationships are always hard, or that life is always hard, or emotions are “too much”.
Attachment styles can change and patterns can shift. The key is to have an understanding of your own attachment style – the experiences that may have shaped it, and the way in which it now affects you. With this awareness, shifts in thinking, feeling, and acting are not only possible, but become lasting.
Attachment is everything, and change is always possible.
It starts with awareness.